


Doc DuFresne's Clinic

by LegendaryBard



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Slice of Life, family friendly hijinks, probably bad medical advice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 08:11:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10737666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegendaryBard/pseuds/LegendaryBard
Summary: Everyone needs a little help, and Doc can most surely provide!





	Doc DuFresne's Clinic

“Okay, so, our first exercise… Why don’t we all sit in a circle and say things we like about one another?” Doc says brightly.

“Son, this sounds like some kind of Blue intimidation tactic,” Sarge squares his shoulders, voice severe.

“Oh no, it’s not! It’s basic conflict management-” Doc twitches. “ _ Which none of you fools will ever understand! You’ll all hate each other forever!”  _

“Why’s the psycho giving us mental health help, again?” Grif choruses. 

“Because you all are clearly stressed and in need of counseling!” Doc’s voice is earnest. “There’s sooo much unresolved tension, and we need to work it out! Nonviolently!” 

“I know how to solve this! Simmons, where’s my shotgun?” 

“I don’t think we can kill Doc, Sarge.” Simmon’s voice is dubious. “He’s the only one who can let us out of here.” 

“Well I think-” 

“Nobody cares, Donut!” 

“You aren’t getting your weapons back and you’re  _ not  _ leaving until you can say one nice thing about every person in this room.” Doc says, adamant. “ _ So you’ll never leave! Hahahahaha!”  _

“Why isn’t Lopez here?” Grif complains. 

“He speaks Spanish,” Doc says. “I, um, know a little bit of alien and I know English, but, uh. It would be counterproductive if we brought him along. He might be saying something rude, and we wouldn’t know!” He twitches. “ _ And he will say something rude, because all of you are terrible! Hahahaha!”  _

“Fine,” Sarge says, begrudgingly. “As the superior officer, I will go first. Donut, you’re my favorite soldier.” 

“But Sarge!” Simmons objects immediately. Doc shushes him. 

“You can’t talk yet, Simmons! It’s not your turn!” A pause. “ _ If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your mouth shut, fool!”  _

“Anyone else feel like this is really, really stupid?” Grif chimes. 

“Don’t talk!” Doc rebukes. “Sarge needs a quiet, non-judgemental place to confess his feelings!” 

“Confess my feelings!?” Sarge barks, outraged. “I would never have anything as sissy as feelings! This entire thing is a Blue scheme!” 

“I’m not blue!” Doc reminds him. “Come on, we’re doing great! We need just-” He counts on his fingers. “Two plus three plus three plus three… Eleven more nice things!”

“Simmons, you can take orders.” Sarge continues begrudgingly. “You’re my second-best man.” 

“Sir…” Simmons sounds slightly choked up. Grif jabs him in the ribs with his elbow.

“Seriously, dude?” 

“Shut up!” 

“One more, Sarge!” Doc encourages. “Just one thing about Grif!” 

“Wait, wait. I don’t think he can physically say something nice about Grif!” Simmons interjects. “I’m pretty sure that-” 

“No,” Sarge says, voice gravely and serious. “Let me try, Simmons. Grif…” 

Sarge starts to physically shake.

“I think that you…” 

“Yes?” Doc leans forward gleefully.

“-ARE THE WORST SOLDIER I’VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETING!” 

“There we go,” Grif sighs. “We’re gonna be here forever.” 

“You’re lazy, you back-talk, you’re a bad influence on Simmons and Donut-” 

“Stop, stop, stop!” Doc says, waving his hands urgently. “Stop, you’re supposed to be  _ nice!”  _

“- you put off work, the only thing you’re good for is eating-” 

“That reminds me, when’s lunch?” Grif asks ponderously. 

“ _ Stop talking, you fool!”  _

Doc- or, rather, O’Malley- reaches for the rocket launcher on his back warningly. 

That shuts everyone up pretty quick. 

“Listen, Sarge, just say something nice about Grif so we can go home,” Simmons pleads. 

“Can I go next?” Donut volunteers. 

“Not until Sarge says something nice about Grif!” Doc’s voice is full of cheer.

“Grif,” Sarge says through gritted teeth, “You have potential.” 

There’s a pause. 

“ITS A SHAME THAT YOU WASTE IT ALL BEING SO LAZY AND-” 

“There it is,” Grif sighs. “Look, nerd, could you just take that as a ‘saying something nice’ so we can be done with this?” 

“Okay,” Doc agrees readily enough. “Donut, did you say it was your turn?”

“Yep!” Donut says gleefully. “It’s been great working with you all, even though it was hard a lot!” 

“Oh God,” Grif mutters. 

“We rode out some really tough times together, because we were at eachother’s backs!” 

“Christ.” Simmons shakes his head. 

“I’m so glad that command gave you all a D-” 

“A D?” Grif says, sharply.

“The D stands for Donut.” Donut clarifies. 

“Oh,” Sarge, Simmons, and Grif say together.

“Sarge, it’s great how you really take charge and know exactly where to shove your shotgun!” 

“Why is this happening,” Simmons cradles his heads in his hands. 

“Simmons, you’re a nerd but that’s cool! You always get in on  _ some  _ of the action!” 

“That’s a lie,” Grif mutters. 

“And Grif, you always put out-” Donut continues.

“ _ Excuse  _ me?” Grif chokes. 

“- A lot of positive vibes for everyone!” 

“Okay! We’re halfway done!” Doc clasps his hands together gleefully. “I think this is going really well!” 

“That’s a first,” Simmons sighs. “My turn?” 

“Just hurry up, dude, I think I’m missing lunch.” Grif waves a hand in the air flippantly.

“Sarge, you’re the best C.O. that a soldier could ask for! Under your inspiring leadership, it’s no wonder we’ve been able to beat back the Blues!” Simmons sits straight-backed. 

“Uh, we haven’t,” Grif reminds. “You know, they’re the  _ only  _ ones who actually, like, do anything. Like, Tucker’s got a cool alien sword, Church is… I mean, I don’t even fucking know, and Caboose is… Caboose, and they’ve got a Freelancer as their squad leader now.” 

“Grif!” Doc rebukes. “It’s not your turn!  _ Keep your fool mouth shut, you sweat-greased, lolloping couch-potato!”  _

“What does lolloping mean?” Grif asks.

_ “SHUT IT!”  _

“Jeez.” Grif sighs. 

“Okay, um, it’s still my turn, right?” Simmons clarifies.

“You have the floor, Simmons!” Doc chirrups. “Nobody else interrupt! Simmons, you have to say something nice about Grif and Donut!” 

“Donut, you’re not as mean to me as Grif  and I don’t completely hate you.” Simmons turns to Grif. “Grif, you… Sometimes  _ don’t  _ make me want to die.” 

“You too, buddy, thanks. Wait, does that count as a ‘nice thing’?” 

“No,” Doc chirps. 

“Fuck. Fine. Simmons, you’re a loser but I wouldn’t have anyone else on this team. Donut, I forget you’re on our team half the time. Sarge, I’ll never respect you.” 

“Those aren’t compliments!” Doc objects. Simultaneously, Sarge leaps at Grif with a loud battle cry. 

“Take it back!” Sarge bellows. “That’s an order, Private!” 

“Fuck this! This is stupid!” Grif yells. “Ow, my face! Ow, my neck! Ow, my  _ spleen!”  _

“Guys, stop!” Simmons cries. 

“Man, I’ve never seen a guy on guy like this before!” Donut tilts his head quizzically.

_ “Hahahaha! Yes! Strangle him, strangle him! Hahahahaha!”  _ O’Malley cackles. 

“Private Grif, you WILL apologize before I stick my-” 

“Fine, fuck, sorry, whatever!” 

Sarge gives a final good-bye punch before getting off of Grif, shaking his wrist and muttering darkly. He sits back down.

“Okay, Grif. Say something nice about Sarge, and then we can all leave!” Doc’s voice is slightly strained. 

“This is so fucking lame.” Grif mutters, rubbing his throat. “Sarge, you’re a good C.O. Can we leave now?” 

“Yes! See! We’ve all bonded and learned about one ano-” Doc says brightly. 

“CAN WE GO NOW,” Grif repeats, louder.

“Sure! If you hurry, you’ll have time to catch lunch!” Doc gets up and goes to the wall, tapping a button. The doors of the room- previously hopelessly locked- abruptly swing open.

Grif gives a happy whoop and is the first one to leave.

“Wait! Before you go, send the next group in!” Doc calls.

“Sure, whatever!” Grif yells. “Yo, Tucker, Washington, Caboose! You’re up, good fucking luck.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I very recently got into RvB, and I'd consider this an... Experiment, to see if I can write characters like this. Let me know what you all think!
> 
> timelines might be a little weird on this one


End file.
